When I was growing up, my parents weren’t very “funny.” I remember them sharing funny stories from their youth, but we didn’t have the pleasure of “dad jokes.” Perhaps because of this, I made it my mission as a single mom to be as cringey as possible when it came to telling silly jokes to my kids. They loved to cringe! Ha! Lists like this certainly helped. Enjoy!
The Best Dad Jokes of All Time
1. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
2. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.
3. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
4. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
5. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
6. What’s brown and sticky?
7. What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
8. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.
9. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.
10. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
11. Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.
12. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
15. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
17. What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
18. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
19. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
20. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
21. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
22. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
23. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!
Worst Dad Jokes to Embarrass Your Kids
24. What do you call a fake noodle?
25. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
26. What sound does a witches car make?
27. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.
28. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
29. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
30. I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.
31. Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.
32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
33. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
34. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
36. What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
37. Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.
38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tinder?”
39. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
40. What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
41. How do trees access the internet?
They log in.
42. What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
43. 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
44. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
45. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
46. What do you call a cow with no legs?
47. What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
48. Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.
Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Cringe
49. What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
51. Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.
52. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
53. I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.
54. What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
55. How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.
56. Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.
57. I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.
58. Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?
59. I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.
60. Which day do chickens hate the most?
61. What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!
62. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
63. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
64. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
65. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
66. The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
67. What’s the king of all school supplies?
68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.
List of Best Dad Jokes
69. Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.
70. Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.
71. What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!
72. What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
73. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.
74. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
75. Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.
76. Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.
77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
78. What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.
79. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.
80. Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.
81. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.
82. How do astronomers organize a party?
83. What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.
84. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.
85. Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
86. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
87. Where do sharks go on vacation?
88. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.
89. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
90. How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.
91. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.
92. What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.
93. What gets wetter the more it dries?
94. What state do crayons go to on vacation?
95. Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.
96. What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
97. What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
98. Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
Awesome Dad Jokes for Embarrassing Your Kids
99. Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.
100. What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.
101. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
102. I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.
103. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
104. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
105. What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
106. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.
107. A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.
108. What’s the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?
They’re both red. Except for the green one.
109. How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.
110. Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
111. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
112. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
113. How did ancient Grecians get memorialized?
They had to urn it.
114. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They’re making headlines.
115. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
116. What do you call bears with no ears?
117. Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.
118. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
119. When does a tailor need to go on vacation?
When they seem stressed.
120. What is heavy forward but not backward?
121. Why can’t you tell dad jokes until you have kids?
It’s a faux pas.
122. I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.
123. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.
124. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
125. Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
126. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Blubblublubblubblub.”
127. Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally.
128. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.
129. I invented a new word today:
130. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it.
131. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
132. Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation?
It’s a waist of space.
133. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane! mode.
134. Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people?
None of them work.
135. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
136. My son put his shoes on the wrong feet.
I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.
137. The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag.
I told him to just leave it in the carton.
138. What was the most ground-breaking invention?
139. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
140. Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.
141. I just found out I’m colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
142. What do you call a fish with no eye?
143. A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot.
But that’s the last thing I need.
144. To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.
145. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
146. Why do flamingoes life one leg up?
If they lifted both they’d fall.
147. What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
148. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually, it came back to me.
149. Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.
150. Today my son asked me for a book Mark.
Can’t believe he’s 11 and still doesn’t know I’m named Dave.
151. Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.
152. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
153. What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
154. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
That can’t just be a coincidence.
155. If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.
156. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
157. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
158. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
159. I tried watching The Neverending Story.
Couldn’t finish it.
160. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
161. What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.
162. Don’t worry if your parachute won’t open.
You’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.
163. What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
164. Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil?
165. Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.
166. What’s a foot long and slippery?
167. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
168. What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.
169. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
170. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
171. This morning my alarm went off early.
I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.
172. Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.
173. Why is “R” only a pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.
174. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
175. How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.
176. Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.
177. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
178. What’s red and smells like blue paint?
179. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
180. What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?
181. When does a dad joke cost $1000?
When it’s a granddad joke.
182. Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
183. What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.
184. What do you call a fly without wings?
185. What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.
186. What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.
187. How are a hippo and Zippo similar?
One is very heavy, the other’s only a little lighter.
188. What’s the 25th letter of the alphabet?
I don’t know, y?
189. What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rolling.
190. How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.
191. How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in awhile.
192. When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.
193. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
194. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
195. How can you tell by someone’s home if they’re a highway robber?
All the signs will be there.
196. Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.
197. How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.
198. What looks like half an apple?
The other half.
199. How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.
200. How can you make money while freshening your breath?
201. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
202. Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
There you go. You’re officially ready to be the cringiest parent of all time. Enjoy! Your kids will love these.