There are videos that make you smile. There are videos that make you cry. There are videos that make you furrow your brow, grumble to yourself, and sigh.
And then, there are videos that make you laugh. Laugh so hard your stomach hurts. Laugh so hard tears stream down your face.
This, my friends is one of those videos.
One of Sizzler’s training videos starts out with an inspiring lens flare back-dropping a rousing game of fetch, with a song of freedom ringing out in the background as tried-and-true Americans (AKA: white people) smile their slowest smiles possible at a fixed camera point.
We see the Dos Equis guy in a very impressive all-white beard fishing with someone who will soon become a customer of his simply by being in this video. We witness giggling families and a little girl playing softball, and then we hit the kicker. The surprise of the entire thing: the fact that it is for a steakhouse buffet.
We get the blurry panorama of the Sizzler sign and an even blurrier pan-out of their all-you-can-eat buffet. Then, after seeing all that blurry food that would make our mouths water if we could have actually seen it, we cut to yet more happy, white Americans who are smiling because of Sizzler’s.
Apparently.
We have a boy who is too young to be a sailor walking around with his girlfriend just to make sure that, while the same song of freedom blares in the background, Sizzler’s get’s the point across that they support our troops.
Then, the white male voice to end all white male voices begins talking to us about the changing times: how both parents are entering the workforce alongside raising families, and it reminds us that, at one point in time, that was actually something that didn’t happen.
We see proof of the first ever car phone through a chain-link fence, because trespassing is illegal and I want to keep believing that people didn’t willingly participate in this training video.
We see our first elusive people of color!
And between it all, this ever-so-white male voice let’s us in on Sizzler’s big secret to the population that we could’ve just told them we knew so that they could’ve saved their massive $40 budget.
American people want value.
Then, finally… Over a minute and a half into this video, we get food.
JUST LOOK AT THAT MEAT.
We see highly attractive 80’s-reminiscent individuals walking from food kiosk to food kiosk, stacking their plates high with the American-dream team of foods: steak, fish, and macaroni and cheese.
We see our second glimpse of a person of color, because Sizzler’s is progressive.
And then we come to the woman. The woman to end all women. With her ruby red lips and her bulging eyes, she licks her massive tongue around her teeth as she gazes upon her prey, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice should someone try to take her dish piled high with ice cream and condiments.
We get a quick glimpse of signs that say Hot Appetizers, Italian Bar, and Dessert Bar, just to make sure we understand the Sizzler variety, and just as we hit the point of the song we can never forget playing in the background (that Sizzler “is the choice of America”), we are hit with yet another blurry panorama of the Sizzler sign.
Because who can’t appreciate the artistic endeavor of a blurry restaurant sign?
But the cream of the crop… The moment to end all moments… Is when our sexy-lipped ice cream fanatic finds the dessert she’s been wishing for this entire time. However, there’s just one issue.
The slab of dessert she’s found doesn’t seem to enjoy the fact that he’s being filmed.
It’s almost as if he didn’t understand he was on camera. The shocked look in his eye just before ice cream licker dives into her sweet, sweet treat over and over again.
No, really. Over and over again.
Because why would anyone in their right mind be in this training video?
Wholesome American cooking. All-You-Can-Eat Meat. Progressive thinking peppered with traditional dreams and montages. It’s every 90’s-free-thinker dream come true, complete with a whispered sentiment of Sizzler’s name right at the very end, just so you can get your all-natural steak greases pumping.
So, go on down to your nearest Sizzler and enjoy all the goodness this restaurant has to offer!
And make sure you’re not being filmed.
Sizzler’s: America’s Buffet Of Hidden Cameras.
Featured image courtesy of YouTube.
